Everybody be cool, this is a robbery!
by nushadir
Summary: One-shot response to well-known challenge by Reptilia28 "Don't Fear the Reaper". With reverences to Pulp Fiction and Bleach (slightly). Attention! Filthy language!


-Oh, fuck, am I dead? If not, I'll be there soon, my head is killing me.

Potter looked around. No Death Eaters, this is good. No Forbidden Forest too, well, that's strange.

-Where am I?

-Shit, Potter, you again! You are dead.

Voice came from the strange tall bony-looked angular figure, who sat at the table.

Dead? Well… Strange, but thought about being dead was... soothing and exciting simultaneously. It was REFRESHING. Of course, somewhere his friends made their last standing against Evil, but… what could he do? He was dead. Did he do his best? Yes. And now he was dead. Freedom, at last! Now all this war and mayhem was not his headache. And he will see Sirius and his family!

-…and here you are, dead again, eighth goddamn time!

-What do you mean by "again"? As far as I know, if your name isn't Voldemort, you can die only once in lifetime!

-Well, normally you're right, brat, but your case is quite unusual, -bony figure sighed, and leaned on its... arms? or something that looked like ones - of course, if you can call the things with foot-length claws by "arms".

-And how does my case unusual? Am I dead or not?

-Yes, you are. But this isn't your first death.

-Really?! Now you're pulling my leg.

-No shit, really, you supposed to live about 200 years, marry Granger, establish new magic era and peace in the whole world, but instead you keep on dying. I'm your THIRD personal death manager. Guys before were fired because of your slovenliness!

It was like surreal cinema. Like "Dead Man" with Depp.

-And what exactly your work is?

-Wow, man, this is going to be tough talk. Look, I'll try to explain in small words. You are dead. I'm trying to decide what to do with you next

-What do you mean by that?

-You're dead and we need you back to life. And now I'm thinking how I'm going to do this.

-I don't want going back to life

\- What?

-I don't want to be alive once again.

-What?

-English, motherfucker! Do I speak it? I said "I don't want going back to life". Why in the hell I need it?

-Like I said before, you're dead but you're not supposed to be. To be correct, you're not supposed to be dead NOW.

-So? Come on, let's start from the beginning… who are you, aside from my "personal death manager" - whatever it means? You're not an angel, of that I'm sure. You don't look like a devil. And you are not a human too.

-I'm Hollow.

-It should mean something to me?

-Suppose, not. We're dominant species of after-death life, well, YOUR after-death life

-And? Should you take me to Heaven or Hell?

-We need you to go back to life.

-What for? And how should I call you? I can't call you Hollow, can I?

-You need to live about two hundred years, establish world peace…

-Stop. You told me so, but what's in it for you? Where's the catch?

-Don't you want to be alive again, snot? – Hollow bellowed and looked at the ceiling, trying to find there an answer to his praying.

-Yes, I do, BUT there's always a catch, - Potter calmly looked on his contradictor.

-OK, OK, look here, if you don't rise again, Death Eaters will kill all Muggleborns and Halfbloods, and many people won't be born.

-And so what?

-What?! You can't deny them their chance to live, can't you? Think about yourself like a savior of your race, after all!

-Yes, I can, and no, I won't. I'm dead, remember?

-If we don't resurrect you, I will be fired!

-Your problems. I'm DEAD. Why should I be bothered by your employment? Find yourself another work. Wait, you said before that this is my eighth death?! And you are still trying to resurrect me? Fuck this shit. You want to send me back in the world where the war is going and where death eaters are trying to kill me, maim me or torture me!

-You don't go back and my race will starve! – shouted Hollow and stopped himself clamping his own mouth by hand (doing that he almost took out his own eye with his claws).

-Why.

This question sounded flat like a toad after steamroller.

Hollow became VERY nervous suddenly. And Potter suddenly became VERY calm, TOO calm to be precise.

-Er…Well…You see...

-I see what?

-Look, man, nothing personal, but we are eating you.

-Eating me?

-Well, not exactly YOU, but you, humans' souls, - said Hollow resignedly.

-OK. Describe what I look like.

-What?

-Describe what I look like.

-Well, you are wearing glasses.

-Go on.

-You are thin.

-Do I look like a bitch?

-What?

-Say "what" again! Say "what" again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say "what" one more Goddamn time! And you will wish that you will be ONLY fired! – Potter exploded like an A-bomb, after all he was already dead, so he won't be frightened by this talking .

-No, you don't look like a bitch!

-Then why are you trying to fuck me like a bitch? You are expecting me to go back, make world peace, have children with my best friend – not that this is a problem, by the way, - just what for? For them being your food? Not going to happen. – said boy and sat on the floor.

-But Potter, think about millions starving Hollows!

-Nope. I. DON'T. GIVE. A. SHIT. about you. You have billions living and dying right now, and my children won't be a lunch for you, bony assholes!

-We can't eat normal people, their souls are too thin for us!

-Again, why this is my problem? And Death Eaters would kill enough for you to feed, if I won't go back, and would kill after that, why are you worrying so much?

-They will kill too many people! Magical race will die out! And then WE will! Yes, they would kill many NOW, but what we are going to eat after that?

-I don't know? – Potter shrugged.

-What do you want? – Hollow looked like he's going to start crying.

-I don't want to go back. – Potter said stubbornly. – Look, I had a shitty life before and I can't see how this is going to change, and in the end you will eat my soul anyway. So better staying dead.

-We can send you back in time?

-Where in time you can send me? – this offer interested Potter enough to divert his attention from ceiling.

-Say, how about end of your sixth year in Hogwarts?

-Nope. Sirius was dead already, Dumbledore was dead, I was struggling with whole horcruxes shit, does it looks like a good life for you? No, it doesn't.

-And what do you propose?

Harry smiled. If just Hollow knew humans and their faces well enough, he would eat Potter's soul here and there. But no, he didn't recognize what this shit-eating grin means to him.

-Let's say, you'll send me in my FIRST year of LIFE. And YOU will kill Voldemort BEFORE he kills my parents.

-I can't do that! There are laws and rules and...

-…AND after that you will hunt all remaining Death Eaters.

-…Potter, I CAN'T do this! I'm going to be fired in moment this shit would be known by my superiors! – Hollow screamed, but there wasn't anyone to care about his screams.

-…AND after that, you will start working on my harem, with Hermione as Head wife, of course. Did I make my point clear enough? And before you start complaining, think about this – with each of your complain here I will push ANOTHER demand and . You need me. I don't need you.

-And how do you want me to meet all these requirements?

-Not my problem. Pull all your favors, get your people to do it, get a loan, I don't care.

-But… this is a robbery! – wailed creature.

-And THIS is your problem. Think about yourself like a savior of your race, after all.

Author's notes

I hope you like this ficlet! My best regards to my beta, Kathryn518!


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